In the shadow of death

Today I noticed on Facebook how many of my "people" are mourning a loss and felt a shimmer or relief, which was of course replaced by paranoia of when Grim will visit again.

It's a sad fact that I am even allowed to use the phrase "at my age" but the truth is that at my age you know people who die. Much more do than when I was in my teens and 20's.

Just another reason I have growing up.

To everyone suffering a loss today, I send thoughts of good will. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better but knowing that someone out there is putting money in your dharma bank can be nice.

my phone takes better pictures than my camera

and this is why Apple should make everything...

I feel that I must interject here and make it VERY clear that we here at the Shufelt household are NOT in any way shape or form Red Sox fans. In fact we are Yankees fans through and through. I think it may be some sort of punishment that our 12 YO got picked for the Red Sox in our local softball league.
Either way, as long as she is having fun and playing fair, it's a small price to pay for having to root for a Red Sox team temporarily.

How iCarly broke my dinner

When I am trying to figure things out I find it helpful to write lists, sometimes when things are REALLY important I do a Pro and Con list. After the fiasco that was my dinner tonight, I find it imperative that I make an iCarly Pro and Con list.

Pro's:
- Always appropriate for 12 YO viewing
- Jerry Trainer
- Positive messages to teens about how they can accomplish something great
- Girls wearing appropriate clothing
- Smart funny role models for the 12 YO that don't swear and rarely break any laws

Con's:

Yes, that is a Spaghetti Taco.

In theory it's a novel concept. In practice? GROSS. Trust me on this.

Event coordinator! Not wedding planner...

I have the worst time explaining to my friends what I do as the manager of a bed and breakfast that hosts weddings. I swear they all think I am a wedding planner and the only problem with that is that some of my brides do too!
The problem with that is that they all expect me to help them actually plan the wedding and as a venue coordinator I just don't have the time. How do you explain to someone that meeting and coordinating vendors at my venue does not translate into me helping you pick our dress?

Mood: tired and frustrated

iPhone 4s

Alright I know I am a million years late in getting myself an iPhone, but I feel like I waited just enough time to get one of the best versions available.

I can't stop playing with it, I've spent an atrocious amount of time browsing the app store and downloading way too many apps just to turn around and decide I don't like them and delete them. It's like the past 10 years worth of Christmases all wrapped up into one really big awesome celebration. If I had a million dollars I would buy this exact same phone and then put the rest in savings. I love it that much.

Now, I need some help from all you amazing people out there:

1. Tell me your 2 favorite apps that I may not have found yet

2. What is your favorite accessory? and where do you get cool cases for a reasonable price?

3. What is the safest and most durable case you have found for a reasonable price?

I'm counting on you friends!

Awkward conversations no one really wants to have

While I am certain that there are a million awkward things moms and dads will have to talk to their little boys about I don't actually have one so I am sticking to what I know. Awkward, and sometimes frustrating conversations with tween to teenage girls. Odd area of expertise, but since I now have a 12 going on 40 year old soon to be teenager I have been through many an awkward conversation.

Oh young one, stay small forever!

I would like to take the time here to say THANK YOU to my wonderful mother who can clearly see the future and predicted every single one of these conversations with her the fictional granddaughter by announcing "Someday you will have a daughter, and I hope she is just like you" curses. I am most definitely getting EXACTLY what I deserve.

If you have a darling daughter who has not yet reached the tween - teen years yet. Formulate your plan of attack carefully. These things come in stages, creeping up on you in seemingly harmless conversations and will one day culminate in completely awkward and frustrating ways.

Trust me on this.

7YO: Mom ,why are there razors in the shower? I mean, who uses them? and for what?
Me: Well, they are to shave my legs... and armpits.
7YO: You have hair in your ARMPITS
Me: No, I shave it
7YO: GROSS
ME: Yes it is, and itchy, which is why I shave it.
7YO: Sooooooo....
Me: Yes, you will grow hair in your armpits
7YO: Do I have to shave it?
Me: Well, not if you dont want to, but it might get itchy... and hot and sweaty and smelly (neglected to mention here that either way it will probubly be all those things)... on the other hand once you start shaving it, you can't really stop, because it itches
7YO: You just said it would be itchy if I didn't shave it
Me: I know, but I actually don't remember what it is like to have hair there so I could be lying about that part.

A few years later...

9YO: When do I have to start shaving my armpits?
Me: Ummmm, I'm not sure I really want you playing with razors yet... why? do you have hair in your armpits?
9YO: Maybe
Me: Let me see
9YO: NO, thats weird...
Me: Weirder than asking me when you need to start shaving it?
I can see that this conversation is going nowhere anyway so why not play along right? Also, somewhere in the back of my brain I am realizing that I am actually going to have to show my 9YO how to actually USE a razor at some point in her life, regardless if that time is today or not. Now THAT is weird.
9YO: (shows the 2.5 hairs in her armpit) ?
Me: Not yet
9YO: Wheew... thats good, because I just wanted to make sure no one could tell.


10YO: Mom, can you get me my own razors?
Me: For what?
10YO: To shave with
Me: To shave what with?
10YO: Hair
at this point I realize that we have reached THAT stage. Where EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. is like getting a bikini wax, they make no sense whatsoever and are very painful to get through no matter how long they last.
Me: I am going to jump right in and say this is for legs and armpits, and yes I can get you your own, and please do not TOUCH my razors ever, ever, ever, because it's just gross... and I guess I will have to show you how to use one so you don't cut yourself.
I am now having flashbacks to the day I decided that I had waited long enough to shave and asked my best friend (who had never shaved before) to come and sit in the bathroom with me while I tried to shave my legs for the first time, even after my mom said NO. It was a few liters short of a bloodbath thanks to neither one of us even contemplating the use of soapy lather.
10YO: Ummmm... that might be weird
Me: Trust me hon, we are in for much weirder conversations than this. Wait till you have to ask me to buy pads and tampons and Noxzema.
10YO: Huh?

It is at this point in my life, that something struck me. I was going to have to buy pads, and tampons and Noxzema. It also occurred to me that I might actually have to explain all the gross little details about how to actually use these things (except for the Noxzema which is pretty much like shampoo for your face and therefore self explanatory).

Awkward.

This is why I am glad I thought of these things back then. You will be too. Don't wait until doomsday to buy pads and explain how they work. TRUST me you will be glad she knows just what to do, and she will be much less embarrassed about telling you she actually needs some of her own.

How writers block can freak out your friends

Writers block is a bizarre thing, it drives a person crazy thinking about what to write. In my case most of the time there is never a lack of things to write but the opposite of having too many thoughts and not knowing where to start.

That is when I journal things, random weird things. Things that would definitely paint me in a weird and slightlty crazy (and sometimes corny) light. So I of course do not write them out loud. This is when I get frustrated and begin to read. This is when I devour books like a honey badger on a snake. Then I start thinking about the things I am reading in juxtaposition to things in my real life... then weird phone calls get made...

J: (answers phone after series of frantic texts from me) Yeeeesss.
Me: If you woke up tomorrow and were presented with an impossibly bizarre set of clues that led you to the conclusion that I was somehow missing and if you followed the clues you might find me, and I may or may not be there, and I may or may not be dead would you follow the clues anyway?
J: (hesitant) Umm... Ummm
Me: I am not crazy, drunk or on the verge of killing myself if that helps you in your decision making
J: Then Yes?
Me: Good... also would you still follow those clues if you thought I was a smurf? You know like if in finding me, you would be finding me as a smurf
J: Yes, I would want to see the other smurfs
Me: This is how I know you are my friend, not only because you answer my ridiculous hypothetical questions at 9:00 at night, but you do it with complete seriousness and don't think I am crazy.
J: I didn't agree to the not crazy part.

Extra points if you can guess what book I just finished before making this call.